


i know i'm no sweet prince of love

by iridescent_blue



Series: How to Be a Human Being [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Homophobic Language, Hook-Up, M/M, Miscommunication, Non-Explicit Sex, Songfic, Upside down kisses, based on yet another glass animals song, bi aaron or DEATH, bi kevin too, catching feelings, it starts sweet but oh man., no more kevin and thea society has progressed past the need for kevin and thea, only real quick near the end ill lyk in the authors notes where it is, some very horny making out tho, this took Too Fucking Long im SORRY ACK, um. unhappy ending, unbetaed and unedited like always lovelies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26776207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridescent_blue/pseuds/iridescent_blue
Summary: Kevin’s so obviously stressed about Janie being hospitalized that it’s giving Aaron hives. He’s pacing back and forth, tugging at his hair, muttering under his breath, and it’s really starting to piss Aaron off. He’s got a chem midterm in three days and walking through the March drizzle to the library is out of the question, since he’s paid sixty bucks for this textbook and he’s not going to let it get water damage.But Kevin’s absolutely fucking insufferable right now. “Dude,” Aaron huffs, “Go beat off and calm the fuck down. You’re getting bad vibes all over my study space.”---In which Kevin and Aaron make one too many self-destructive choices, and it's good until it's not.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: How to Be a Human Being [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1856641
Comments: 13
Kudos: 95





	i know i'm no sweet prince of love

**Author's Note:**

> hi this has been in the works for MONTHS im SORRY the exchange took up all my time and THEN school started also i have a fuckload of tumblr prompts to get through which take priority in my brain for some reason smh
> 
> but here's probably the final installment of HTBAHB. This one's Kevaaron, based on Pork Soda (an absolute banger of a song, pls go listen to it!).
> 
> TW FOR HOMOPHOBIC LANGUAGE:  
> towards the end of the fic, aaron has a flashback in which tilda hits him and uses the f slur. the paragraph starts with "“Yes,” Aaron says. “I do.” Kevin looks hopeful for a moment" and the slur shows up very quickly in there. if u have questions pls message me on tumblr @fxcrt I'm happy to answer, again i don't want to trigger anyone in any way. 
> 
> happy reading!

_ Somewhere in Southend when you were fun _

_ You took my hand and you made me run _

Kevin’s so obviously stressed about Janie being hospitalized that it’s giving Aaron  _ hives. _ He’s pacing back and forth, tugging at his hair, muttering under his breath, and it’s  _ really _ starting to piss Aaron off. He’s got a chem midterm in three days and walking through the March drizzle to the library is out of the question, since he’s paid sixty bucks for this textbook and he’s  _ not _ going to let it get water damage. 

But Kevin’s absolutely fucking insufferable right now. “Dude,” Aaron huffs, “Go beat off and calm the fuck down. You’re getting bad vibes all over my study space.”

Kevin stops and turns on his heel to face Aaron. “Seriously?” Aaron shrugs. “We just lost a striker, we’re absolutely  _ fucked _ for the coming season, and you’re telling me to-” he sputters, “to  _ jerk off?” _

Aaron shrugs again. “Yeah. It works!” Kevin makes several more incoherent noises, and Aaron needs to hold in a snort. “How do you think I destress after exams?”

Kevin takes a deep breath, looks at Aaron with his best “I’m an assistant coach and I’m done with your shit” face (even though he’s not a coach anymore, he’s a player just like the rest of them and needs to get off his high horse), then walks out of the bedroom. 

Aaron chalks it up to Kevin being  _ done _ with his shit, which works great because now Aaron has some time to himself. Both Andrew and Nicky are in their classes, and this is the only uninterrupted study time he’s going to get for the rest of the week unless the weather clears. 

He’s busy copying his notes, the only memorization strategy that seems to stick, when Kevin walks back into the room, his hands wet and face red, only stopping to grab a towel and a pair of boxers.  _ What the fuck. _

“What the fuck?” Aaron says. Kevin blushes harder, his neck going a shade darker. “Did you just go and jerk off?” Aaron practically yells. “ _ Dude. _ Gross.”

Kevin’s entire face is several shades darker than he normally is and he’s fidgeting a bit. Aaron hasn’t seen him this uncomfortable since he showed up a few months ago with a broken hand and a desperate plea to let him  _ stay. _ He scratches the back of his neck. “Um. Yeah?”

Aaron raises one judgmental eyebrow, the one thing he’s happy about sharing with his twin, and asks, “Are you really that horny all the time? I thought you were always thinking about Exy, man.”

Kevin snorts. “Um.” He says again, eloquently. “It’s just, you’re wearing that shirt,” he gestures at Aaron’s chest. It’s not even a nice shirt, a raglan tee that’s honestly a little too small across the shoulders. Kevin shifts from foot to foot. “And, um, it was easier.”

_ Hold the fuck on. _ Kevin, Kevin Day, former Raven and member of the US Court, newly-signed striker for the Foxes, got off on the thought of  _ Aaron?  _ “Fuck do you mean?” He throws his pen on the desk. His notes  _ definitely _ aren’t getting done today. “Did you get off on the thought of me?” 

Kevin nods awkwardly. It’s kind of endearing. “Sorry,” he says quickly. “It’s just, I’m bisexual, and I know you have a,” he trails off, “A  _ thing _ about guys who like guys and-”

“What?” Aaron interrupts him. “I’m not homophobic, dude, I’m-”

“Yeah but every time Nicky brings up Erik you get all grossed out, but you’re fine with Seth and Allison fucking in the locker room and Matt and Dan making heart eyes everywhere,” Kevin says sharply, any sense of anxiety in his frame replaced with righteous anger. “Pardon me if that seems just a  _ little _ bigoted to me.”

_ Shit. _ Aaron hadn’t thought of that. “No, Kevin, my issue isn’t that Nicky’s gay, it’s just that I grew up with him and hearing him talk about his sex life in  _ detail, _ ” Aaron says, wrinkling his nose, “makes me justifiably grossed out.” Kevin nods. “And what I was going to say, if you hadn’t so rudely interrupted me,” Aaron says, pausing. He’s only whispered this to himself in the bathroom with the door locked, before. And now he just needs to say it. “Is that I’m bi too.”

And just like that, it’s out in the open. One of the things that Aaron hid in the dark corners of himself after seeing what happened when Nicky tried to talk to his parents about liking anyone other than women. He shoved it down, made out with girls, and made it  _ abundantly _ clear that he was attracted to women, so that Tilda wouldn’t question when he came home from being out for a bit too long, covered in hickeys from some random boy’s mouth at the skatepark, hidden behind the ramps. 

It was hard enough to admit that part to himself, and admitting he finds Kevin attractive was another punch to the gut. The guys he hooked up with were faceless, there one night and gone the next, rushed handjobs in the shadows and heavy makeouts without looking each other in the eye. Kevin is different. Aaron’s seen his panic attacks, seen his tunnel-vision on the court, listened to his rants about history that light up his whole face in the way that makes Aaron  _ know _ this is the first time he’s ever been able to speak freely like this. Aaron’s seen it all, and he’s still into Kevin. Which is an issue, because Andrew’s made it very clear that if anyone dares to  _ touch _ Kevin, they’ll end up in the hospital. 

Kevin sinks into the chair at his desk, and Aaron turns to face him. “Okay,” Kevin says, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. Aaron breathes a quiet sigh of relief. The last thing he wants is for it to be a big deal. Bisexuality is just one of the facts of Aaron’s life at this point, and all he wants to do is keep his head down and get a degree without any hubbub. Which has already failed, obviously, but he can still hope for the little things. “So,” Kevin says quietly.

“Yeah?” Aaron tilts his head back and looks at Kevin. 

“You’re not mad that I got off thinking about you?” If Aaron didn’t know better, he’d say Kevin looked  _ bashful. _ Isn’t that a fucking treat. 

Aaron chooses his words carefully. “Mad? No. Stunned? A bit.” Before he can lose his nerve he stands up and walks over to Kevin’s chair. Kevin leans back even further, until they’re looking at each other upside down. “Can I?” Aaron asks, kicking himself for how timid he sounds. His hands come up to hover at the sides of Kevin’s face, and he relishes in how Kevin’s eyes widen and his pupils dilate. 

“Yeah,” Kevin breathes, and before Aaron can lose his nerve, he crashes his mouth into Kevin’s. He’s never kissed anyone upside down before, he thinks, and then he’s hit with the realization of  _ holy shit, _ he’s kissing  _ Kevin Day. _

Kissing someone upside down is awkward, to say the least. Kevin’s lips are soft and warm and Aaron is on the verge of death, but right now he has no clue what to do with his tongue and his neck is at a  _ really _ awkward angle. 

So he pulls away, relishes in Kevin’s whine of protest, and then unceremoniously dumps himself in Kevin’s lap, throwing his arms around his neck and pulling them until their noses touch. “Hey,” he murmurs, and then Kevin’s kissing him again and pulling Aaron closer by the waist. He hums against Aaron’s mouth and then he’s opening his mouth and Aaron is  _ not _ mentally prepared to handle Kevin’s tongue in his mouth. He makes an incredibly undignified noise, somewhere between a grunt and a whine, and he honest-to-God  _ moans _ when Kevin grabs his ass, hauling him even closer with one large hand. 

Aaron’s never really been loud. The girls he was with in high school were constantly making noise and he never felt the need to. He had to be quiet with the boys at the park, in fear that they’d get caught and news would get back to his mom or spread around the school that  _ Aaron Minyard _ kissed a  _ guy. _

But they’re in an empty dorm room, the door is shut and locked, and Kevin’s making these low noises, his hands running up and down Aaron’s back, and he really doesn’t care about how much noise he’s making. 

They kiss and they kiss and Aaron fucks up Kevin’s hair six ways to Sunday, losing himself in the warmth of Kevin’s palms under his shirt, pressing Aaron against his chest and holding him there, slowing their kisses down until it’s practically them just pressing their mouths together, soft and sweet.

Aaron breaks away, resting his forehead against Kevin’s and offering him a small smile. Kevin’s eyes are warm, and he smiles softly, not his press smile, not the sharp grin he gets while playing, but just purely  _ Kevin. _ He sighs and frowns. “Andrew’s going to kill us.”

Aaron shrugs and traces his fingertips up and down Kevin’s neck. He knew this question would come, knew it would happen eventually. But he hid girls from his brother in high school, hid the boys at the skatepark, and they didn’t know Andrew’s overprotective nature. Kevin does, he’ll get it if they need to stop. But Aaron doesn’t want to stop. “Andrew doesn’t need to know,” he says instead. “This is just a casual thing. Two guys being dudes. Stress relief and all that shit.”

It’s a lie and he knows it. This  _ thing _ for Kevin he has is anything but casual. He hasn’t been able to hook up with  _ anyone _ without thinking of green eyes and dark hair with too much product in it and strong arms and large hands. He wants to wake up with Kevin and tease him and pepper his freckles with kisses. It’s  _ not _ a crush, Aaron tells himself. It’s not, because crushes are for children who can’t express their emotions, and Aaron is expressing his perfectly fine. 

He tucks his face into Kevin’s shoulder and sighs. “Hey,” Kevin says gently. “Andrew doesn’t have to know, and his class gets out in a half-hour.”

“Yeah,” Aaron grumbles, face mushed against Kevin’s shoulder. “But as nice as this is, I need to study.” He also can’t get attached like this, can’t get comfy in Kevin’s lap, but Aaron is all too good at giving in to his impulses. So he stays there for a bit longer as Kevin twists his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.

“We can do this again, right?” Kevin asks. He sounds  _ small, _ afraid of Aaron saying no. “Casually, of course,” he says quickly, like that’s Aaron’s problem with it all. 

Aaron forces himself to stand up and offers Kevin the happiest smile he can manage. “Yeah,” he says for what feels like the millionth time, “Casually.” He leans in to give Kevin one last kiss before fixing his hair and settling down at his desk, picking up where he left off in his notes.

He’s so fucked, it’s not even funny. He thought he was going to die in high school, not in college at the hands of his brother for  _ daring _ to kiss the guy he’s been catching feelings for since December.

No feelings allowed. This…  _ whatever _ with Kevin is strictly casual, and Aaron needs to keep it that way at all costs.

_ Up past the prison to the seafront _

_ You climbed the cliff edge and took the plunge _

_ Why can’t we laugh now like we did then? _

_ How come I see you and ache instead? _

Kevin hasn’t done anything casually a day in his life. It’s always been Exy and school, that’s all he can remember doing or caring about. Kevin doesn’t do  _ casual. _ He does all-in, head over heels, obsessing over one thing until he gets it  _ perfect. _ Sure, it builds up stress to no end, but Kevin works it out on the court or lets vodka work its magic. 

The complete and utter need for  _ perfection _ is precisely why Kevin doesn’t do relationships. He kissed a few girls in the Nest, kissed Jean in the showers more times than he’d like to admit, but they had to mean nothing. There was no space for anything outside Exy and grades in the Nest, even for Kevin. The concept of bisexuality was something he found late at night, when Riko was out at family functions, hidden on incognito browsers and accompanied with shaking hands. The last person he kissed was Jean, three days before Riko broke his hand. Aaron’s been ever-present in the background since Kevin came to Palmetto, but it took only a few trips to Eden’s to realize that while Andrew was sharp and dangerous under the blacklights, Aaron became ethereal, hair messy and eyes bright, his face becoming more open as the night progressed and he downed more drinks. 

So when Aaron proposes they keep it  _ casual, _ for both of their sakes, Kevin nearly dies on the spot. Logically, he should say no, he should focus on Exy and keeping his grades up and healing his hand for the upcoming season, but Aaron proposed it as stress relief. That’s a perfectly valid excuse, no? It’s healthier for his liver than vodka, better for his mental state than going to the court and sitting on the bleachers, thinking about a red and black stadium, but it still  _ hurts. _

But he’ll take what he can get. Kevin’s learning indulgence, slowly. One of them will make an offhand comment on how stressed they are, they’ll wait until the dorm is empty, and then they’ll be all over each other until they get off, against a wall or in one of their beds or memorably, one time when Kevin was in the shower. 

It distracts him, keeps him busy. It’s  _ casual, _ sort of friends-with-benefits, for months and months, something to do while Andrew gives Neil, their new striker, a suspicious amount of attention. Kevin doesn’t really care. It means their dorm is empty more of the time, and that’s Aaron’s favorite time to jump him. But they never really progress past messy blowjobs and heated kisses, not meeting each others eyes for a few minutes afterwards. Every time, Kevin wants to pull Aaron closer, hold him and fall into bed with him, fall asleep with Aaron in his arms, but he doesn’. It’s  _ casual. _

They don’t really leave marks. Changing out at practice necessitates that they both have to have clear skin, since they’re both single. Thea ended her relationship with Kevin a few months ago, citing the unhealthy age gap that the two of them pointedly ignored, as well as the fact that they hadn’t really  _ talked _ since Thea had graduated. Kevin really didn’t care. Aaron, however, had a messy breakup with Katelyn at the beginning of the school year because she was “too stressed for a relationship.” Kevin heard all about it. Aaron panted it into his mouth and asked him to take his mind off of it. Kevin obliged. 

_ How come you only look pleased in bed? _

_ Let’s climb the cliff edge and jump again _

It’s a Friday afternoon. They’re going to Columbia. In a few hours, that is. Andrew, Nicky, and Neil are out, getting Neil new “club appropriate” clothes while Nicky attempts to teach Neil how to dress himself. Kevin’s glad Andrew isn’t in the dorms. He’s sober now, unnervingly quiet and all too attentive. It makes him so much better on the court, but hooking up with Aaron is now a challenge. 

So they wait until Andrew is physically removed from their location. Like right now. They’re on Aaron’s bed, kissing lazily. It’s been less frantic recently, after the high and subsequent crash of exams and winter break. The heating in the dorm is on the fritz, so they’re piled under blankets, kissing and kissing, Aaron’s hands securely on Kevin’s ass, holding him in place, while Kevin traces patterns across Aaron’s stomach.

“I missed you,” Aaron breathes against Kevin’s lips, in between kisses. They’ve been in each other’s proximity all week, but this is the only time they’re  _ alone _ , the only time they get to have  _ this _ . 

It’s too close to feelings. Well, all of it has been too close to feelings, but this is borderline domestic. Kevin doesn’t fucking care. If his options are giving in to something he’s been holding back for months or nothing at all, Kevin’s going to indulge. 

So he does, wrapping his hands around Aaron’s waist and pulling him closer. “I missed you too,” he admits, diving back in for another kiss.

Nothing happens. They don’t go further than kissing, Aaron pushing Kevin’s hand away when he tries to reach between them. Kevin stops without protest, perfectly content to stick with just kissing, even though the point of starting  _ this _ was to get off when they were stressed. Kevin doesn’t know when it changed. He’s not complaining.

Aaron drags Kevin out onto the dancefloor at Eden’s, but they quickly end up pressed against a wall, Aaron sucking a hickey onto the base of Kevin’s throat. No one pays them any attention, since Eden’s is a gay bar and it’s almost Valentines Day, so it’s packed with couples sucking face. Kevin’s hot all over. From the packed together bodies on the dancefloor, from the alcohol warming his gut, from Aaron’s mouth leaving a trail of fire along his neck, hands tugging at Kevin’s hair and biting down harder when Kevin moans.

Kevin’s about to drag Aaron into the bathroom and drop to his knees when his phone buzzes, trapped against his thigh. It’s Andrew, telling them they need to leave in ten minutes. Kevin,drunk and annoyed, texts back  _ fine, _ showing Aaron the screen and willing himself out of a boner. Aaron tugs Kevin’s shirt back up to cover the hickey, then flushes, the tips of his ears and nose going dark under the club lights.

Kevin reaches up and realizes that Aaron may have misjudged the neckline of his shirt. He can feel a tiny bit of the hickey, his skin still warm from Aaron’s mouth, poking out of his shirt. Well, there’s nothing he can do about it now. 

Nicky notices of course, because for some reason, Nicky is more attentive drunk rather than sober. While they’re wrangling him into the backseat, Andrew shoots Kevin a look that sobers him up immediately. He looks to Aaron’s bright red ears, then back to Kevin, then narrows his eyes.  _ Great. _ Now Kevin has something to look forward to in the morning. 

Getting Nicky to bed is a task and a half, and once he’s in bed, Kevin looks down the hallway at Andrew and Neil, who are having some weird staring contest mixed with an unhealthy amount of eye-fucking. Aaron tugs on Kevin’s sleeve, looking towards his room, then at Kevin.

It’s an invitation that Kevin would consider rude to decline. They sit awkwardly on Aaron’s bed for a while, waiting for Andrew and Neil to go upstairs. Neither of them hear footsteps, and then all of a sudden, Kevin flinches at the sound of a muffled moan. It’s not that he hasn’t heard college students having  _ incredibly _ loud sex (his dorm is above the football team’s, and he invested in earplugs after his second week on campus), it’s that  _ Neil _ made that noise. Because of Andrew. Two things he’d really rather not think about. 

And then Aaron’s climbing onto his lap and pulling off his shirt and Kevin loses his fucking mind because after months of dreaming about it, he gets to fuck Aaron into the mattress, breathing into his mouth, Aaron’s legs pulling him closer and closer. Aaron’s so pretty, his head thrown back, panting and asking Kevin for  _ “more, please, God, fuck, you’re incredible.” _ He figured out Kevin had a praise kink two months ago and then promptly didn’t shut up. He’s not complaining. 

They shower by themselves, but Aaron pulls Kevin back into his bed, spooning him. “Stay,” he mumbles into Kevin’s shoulder, blissed out post-orgasm. Kevin grabs one of Aaron’s hands and presses a kiss to it, before sinking into the mattress and allowing himself to  _ sleep. _

_ We drank pork soda with tangled legs _

_ I won’t forget how you looked at me then _

They wake up, slow and peaceful in Aaron’s bed. Aaron brings Kevin back to the land of the living with gentle kisses on his face and neck, tracing the shell of his ear with a fingertip until Kevin grunts and blinks his eyes open. He’s beautiful, in the morning where nothing can touch him, no stress about Exy, no worrying about classes or the Moriyamas. 

“Eugh,” Kevin grumbles into Aaron’s chest. “Morning.”

Aaron drops a kiss onto his forehead. “Mornin’, sweetheart.” Kevin rolls slightly on top of Aaron to kiss him fully, but pauses at Aaron’s wince. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t relish the ache at the base of his spine, the memory of Kevin biting the corner of his jaw as he came. 

They both have terrible morning breath and that doesn’t matter because Kevin’s mouth is soft and warm and he’s making these happy little noises into Aaron’s mouth and neither of them got very drunk last night so there’s no hangover to feel like death about, so they can just kiss and kiss and hold each other and drink in the hazy morning light spilling through Aaron’s window. 

Of course, it can’t last. Aaron’s door bangs open because in his drunken stupor he forgot to lock it after showering and Andrew flies in, knife in hand. “Where’s Ke-” he starts, cutting himself off when he sees the two of them, laying in bed, shirtless and curled around each other. Kevin’s chest is blooming with hickies and Aaron  _ knows _ he still looks fucked-out, even after a shower. 

Kevin jolts upright, yanking the blankets up over his chest, his face panicky. Aaron pushes him back down and levels a look at Andrew. It’s hard to keep his cool when Andrew looks positively  _ murderous, _ probably looking for Kevin since he wasn’t passed out on the couch. “Coffee in five and we’ll explain everything. We’re both safe, okay?” Andrew relaxes slightly, then slips out of the room. 

Aaron rolls out of bed and throws an oversized hoodie at Kevin, grabbing a sweater for himself. They pull them on, and then Aaron reaches up and catches Kevin’s face in his hands. “Hey,” he says. “Breathe.” Kevin does, a shuddering breath that makes Aaron wrap his arms around Kevin’s torso and hold him close. “Andrew won’t say anything. He isn’t going to hurt you. It’s okay.” Truth be told, Aaron’s only half-holding it together. No one outside of the people he’s been with have  _ ever _ known, but Andrew would kill for him. He wouldn’t breach Aaron’s trust if that’s what he wanted. Andrew is the safest bet, rather than Nicky’s loud mouth or Neil’s tendency to bring up secrets to gain leverage. 

Andrew has coffee in large mugs on the counter when they arrive in the kitchen. Aaron takes his, splashes in a bit of milk and sips it, holding the mug close for some warmth. Andrew takes a sip of his own coffee and Aaron marvels at how he can look so intimidating for essentially drinking milk and sugar with an essence of caffeine. “Explain.” Andrew says. 

“It’s nothing, we were just caught up in the moment,” Kevin says quickly. “It was all consensual, I promise.”

_ Nothing? _ Caught in the  _ moment? _ If Aaron was worried, now he’s just pissed. “You liar, we’ve been together since March. It was all consensual, but it was  _ not _ spur of the moment, you asshole.”

“We’re together now?” Kevin asks, face painted in disbelief. He looks a little bit angry, a little bit sad, and still very frightened.

“I don’t care about your relationship drama,” Andrew says lazily. “Kevin. If you do  _ anything _ to Aaron I will not hesitate to castrate you. We may have a deal, but he is my brother.” It’s the first time Andrew’s really admitted to  _ fighting _ for Aaron, and somehow, it doesn’t make him feel sick. It feels deserved, righteous even. For once, Andrew is on his side. 

“I understand completely,” Kevin says. “I don’t want to hurt him.” It’s too early for this shit. Aaron takes another sip of his coffee and focuses on the bitterness on his tongue rather than Kevin’s contradictions. Kevin  _ cares _ about him, but at the same time he’ll sweep their relationship under the rug in the blink of an eye to save his own ass, nevermind how Aaron feels.

Andrew turns his bored gaze to Aaron, staring into his core. “How are you so comically far in denial that you decide to get on Nicky’s ass every time he mentions Erik yet you’re fucking Kevin on the regular. I don’t understand.” He looks sharper now, more awake and less frantic. Aaron considers his words carefully, then explains to Andrew the same thing he did all those years ago, that Nicky is  _ family _ and it makes him uncomfortable to hear about his blood relative’s hookups in detail. Andrew nods, satisfied, and then Kevin butts in.

“Just don’t tell anyone, okay?” Andrew nods again. “Thank you.” He grabs a fourth mug and pours a cup of coffee before heading up the stairs, back to his room. Kevin slumps down in his chair, pillowing his head on his arms. Aaron rubs his upper back, runs his fingers through Kevin’s hair, holds him together for a bit. Kevin’s deep breaths calm the frantic beat of Aaron’s heart, the shaking feeling in his bones. 

“Hold on,” Kevin says. “What did you mean when you said we were together?” Aaron’s heart plummets.

“Are we not?” He says, drawing himself away from Kevin and sitting down in his own chair. “Neither of us have been with anyone else since we started all of this.”

Kevin shakes his head. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” He asks hesitantly, hands kneading themselves in his lap. Aaron wants to hold him close, press kisses to his hairline, fall into bed together and tangle their legs together, sipping coffee. He wants to go out to Eden’s and kiss Kevin in the middle of the dancefloor, under the lights, where everyone can see. He wants to hold Kevin’s hand while they walk through campus and jump into his arms after games. He wants it all. 

“Yes,” Aaron says. “I do.” Kevin looks hopeful for a moment, and then Aaron watches in slow motion as his brain crashes back to reality. “It’s easier to remain heterosexual,” the safety seeming straight provides, the fact that the Moriyamas could break him, again and again, if coming out was against their higher motives. Kevin barely survived the first time, if they come for him now then he won’t make it. Aaron sees it all written on Kevin’s face. He remembers the first time that he came home from the park with a hickey. Tilda had taken one look at him and slapped him, telling him that he wasn’t a  _ whore, _ that there were no girls at the park and that he better not be a fucking  _ fag, _ and Aaron had run to his room and cried and promised himself that no one would ever know. It all passes in front of Kevin’s eyes, and then he chokes out,

“No.” Aaron’s heart falls. “I can’t,” Kevin says quietly, looking at the ground. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron clenches his jaw and stands up. “Okay. Then we’re done. This was supposed to be casual, anyway. My fault for getting attached.” He walks out of the kitchen, down the hallway, to his room. He opens the door and turns to look at Kevin, his back still visible. He’s shaking and his chest is hiccuping in the way that Aaron knows is that silent kind of sob, the one that gets stuck on the way out and rips your core open, then burns it. And he feels terrible. But he’s hit his limit. He’ll have Kevin freely, no more hiding, or he won’t have him at all. 

Aaron closes the door as Andrew comes back downstairs. “You did this to yourself,” he hears through the paper-thin walls, followed by Kevin’s sniffle and “I know.”

Aaron crawls into bed, turns away from where the smell of Kevin has imprinted itself on his bedsheets, and  _ cries, _ face pressed into a pillow. The kind of crying where he doesn’t breathe, just clamps his eyes closed and lets the tears flow, the ache of everything he said echoing in the space in his chest that Kevin used to be, mere minutes ago. 

_ Maybe you still think of us _

_ Phone buzz, and still I jump _

Kevin’s amazed at their ability to go back to being strangers. He moves through his classes like a robot, focuses his critiques onto Neil and arranges drills so he only has to deal with touching Matt and Nicky on the court, takes one of the chairs in the lounge instead of sitting next to Aaron on the couch. 

They stick to their own desks, sleep in their own beds, maintain careful distance in Columbia. But every time, Kevin can’t stop thinking about how Aaron felt in his hands, the way his lips felt, the sounds he would make and the things he would say to Kevin. And he wants it all again, but Aaron made it clear. Unless Kevin is okay with everything that comes with being boyfriends, Aaron doesn’t want it. 

So they’re strangers. And Kevin cries, silently, as Andrew and Neil sleep, curled together in the bed across from him. Because he’s afraid, because he ruined this good thing himself. And that’s his fault. 

_ Pineapples are in my head _

_ Got nobody cause I’m braindead _

**Author's Note:**

> wow so um. rlly wanted to explore the idea of things going really well and then SUDDENLY going VERY BADLY in the span of just a few minutes as that's happened to me too many times in the past year. so uh. if it hurt, good. 
> 
> go listen to glass animals' Pork Soda, it's an incredible song and the one that got me into them in the first place. 
> 
> more fics to come soon, but for the time being comments and kudos are very appreciated


End file.
